Some things are just meant to be that way

Waiting or patience was never my forte, but now when all I have to do is waiting, I feel like I am pushed towards the edge of the cliff. I believe this is worth it and I will be rewarded in the end but is very hard at the moment. Lets hope it will really be over soon.

Have a lovely week.

Monday - quote day

"Live neither in the past nor in the future, but let each day's work absorb your entire energies, and satisfy your widest ambition."

- William Osler

I think I will be able to write soon

I have to work out many many things. It is all going towards the right direction and I know I will get there but it will take time. It is tough at the moment and I don't want to talk too much. I will eventually but until then you will all have to wait. I am sorry. I learned many lessons lately too. They are very important and will provide me with guidance in the future. Life is generous and also cruel. Currently I am living of it's generosity.

Monday - quote day

"Nobody knows what you want except you. And nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. Wanting some other way to live is proof enough of deserving it. Having it is hard work, but not having it is sheer hell."

- Lillian Hellman

Monday - quote day

"We live in a wondrous time in which the strong is weak because of his moral scruples and the weak grows strong because of his audacity."

- Otto von Bismarck

Monday - quote day

"All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough; they will say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly.
AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES."

- Anon., "Nike ad"

I have a friend who loves these bears. He lives in France and I haven't written to him for months. I think I should do that today. I have three parcels to send out but I am so overloaded at work I don't seem to be able to drag myself to the post office.
All those who are waiting for a parcel from me do not worry you will get it, but I will be late. Today will be the letter writing day. I will write to everyone that I haven't written to in a long time.
I can't write much about what is going on in my life, but I will soon enough. I just can say that all my dreams and plans are finally coming into some shape, which gives me great relief and joy.

Monday - quote day

"The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. If you foolishly ignore beauty, you will soon find yourself without it. Your life will be impoverished. But if you invest in beauty, it will remain with you all the days of your life."

- Frank Lloyd Wright

A lot of things...

are going on right now. I don't want to talk about it right now, but soon enough I will.

Monday - quote day

"Dreaming is not an accident. It is not a wistful idea you hope will come true. Dreaming is not the stuff of long-haired hippies wistfully running along a beach. No! Dreaming is a sophisticated tool used by the elite of our society to make themselves and this world a better place. People like Millard Fuller, founder of Habitat for Humanity, Warren Buffet, Col. Sanders and Walt Disney all started with a dream. The dreams started small, but like the trickle of water that eventually formed the great Grand Canyon, DREAMS ARE POWERFUL!"

- Conway Stone

Monday - quote day

"The two most powerful weapons are courage and persistence. Nothing can stop a person armed with both."

- Scott Sorrell

A lump

Tonight, while sitting with my husband I felt a discomfort in my chest. It is not abnormal in my case as I have cardiac arrhythmia which is not dangerous but purely annoying as I sometimes faint (being not a frail creature it seems quite funny) so I grabbed my chest more out of instinct than pain and then I felt it. A lump was just above my breast. It's still there. My husband can't feel it, which is a good sign, because few years ago (when I was 19) I also felt a lump and my husband didn't feel it and after mammogram it was discovered that there is nothing to worry about. I am currently so aware of that lump that I still feel it. The last time I did not feel it, I simply found it during one of those regular check ups that are recommended by doctors. I do the check ups because I was taught by a nurse in England as I have a good chance of getting cancer. My grandmother among many other relatives died of breast cancer so a check up is the least I can do. I don't want to over react, like those girls who think they are pregnant after their period was late only two days, once my friend over reacted so much she actually started eating meat for the baby (she was a long time vegetarian), only to discover few weeks later that she wasn't pregnant at all. However a lump is a lump until it's investigated further. I will try to make an appointment with a doctor on Monday. I hope it's a false alarm as before. Last time I was offered to have one of those genetic tests to find out if I have cancer cells but I refused out of fear. Now I will have to go through the process which will take a lot longer than it took in England as the doctors are totally corrupt here and I can not afford to bribe anyone. I wanted to write this, because I feel like shit right this moment, I wanted to get it off my chest. Still, seeing all these words on the screen does not make me feel better. Let's hope it's just a false alarm, like before, after all it must be.

Addicted to looking

at pretty things I have no particular desire to have. Learning new things about interior design just by looking at pictures, other people's ideas, knowing I can't have because I'm awfully untidy and own two boxer dogs.

I think it is due to me having a flu and feeling very, very lazy and having totally submerged myself in apathy. So now I look and look and look and do nothing, or as little as possible. I have many things to do and no will power to make myself do them.

Gaining weight and all the other rubbish

I hate admitting this, but then I am a human and a female, and I'm freaking out about my weight. This is not a new thing. I have been overweight for a long time now, and there are those days when I love myself and then there are those days when I hate my reflection in the mirror. I do not even want to be skinny, just get rid of the few things I don't like (especially my mammoth size thighs). Today and yesterday and almost a month now I have been hating myself and contemplating a solution. I can not jog for many reasons and I don't believe in jogging anyway. I walk a lot and eat a little compared to other human beings but it's not doing anything. I could go swimming but I can no longer get over the "everyone pees in here" barrier. I could go skating but it's a very expensive treat. I used to hike, but due to my constant dislocation of shoulders and bad back I can not do that with dogs anymore and going for a hike without my dogs seems wrong. Then there is dancing that I will never get round to, because I hate myself for the way I look, tennis lessons that I am petrified of, due to the same problem with shoulders and working out in a gym witch I will never do because I can't afford it. And don't even mention yoga! I don't have the patience, plus I don't know if you noticed all the people who do yoga are skinny to begin with.
There is also no way I could go on a diet, because I do not believe in diet, unless it's a permanent change. I already eat lots of fruit and veg, dislike bread, prefer rice to potatoes et cetera, et cetera. It is not a diet for me it's choosing what I like, but now I have to find something I can do and like doing and will continue doing. Lack of continueity has been the problem with me in all times. The only things I seem to be able to continue are my marriage, my love for English language and writing. This is a really shitty moment, considering that I am suffering with a really nasty flu at the moment, but I trully am sick of the 42 label on my clothes, if only it was 38 instead. I do not want advice on how to love myself or to lose weight, this is not the reason. I just need to vent, and once I said everything I can't do I will start naming what I can do. I hate that pregnant stomach look! I'm enraged by myself! I'm 24 and I still don't know how to deal with myself. Bugger.

Monday - quote day

"Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power."

- Blaine Lee, "The Power Principle"