Saturday, October 31, 2009

We are born and we die, what happens in between apparently is up to us, which is falsehood hammered into our heads. One third of our life (at least) depends on our parents(and lets hope that they are nice people and won't screw you up to start with) and then hopefully the other two thirds depend on us, but that is unlikely. The truth is one third depends on our parents and then the other two on our partners, husbands, wives, friends and other buggers who come our way etc.. You know the worst part? We ask for it.
We surround ourselves with morons or we end up being surrounded by them. You know the kind of people that do not understand such terms as hypocrisy, oxymoron and the likes. Most of the time I do not understand such terms either. In fact any word that has 10+ letters is a big word for my dictionary stashed somewhere in between the rare wrinkle or two in my grey (which really is pink) tissue, but I still feel that I am surrounded by idiots who do not and will not ever want to understand me. I jump from job to job, from one attitude to another, I think I am depressed and then I think I am happy because I think I can fix my problems and the problems of the world. Whereas in fact the problem is ongoing and incurable. No one ever can be fully happy. We are designed that way and more western we are the more it shows on us. We are never happy about the things we do have, why? There are better things out there! We are never happy about our relationships because we think we could do better. But could we? Or are we downgrading each time when we really want an upgrade? So we get that house (which even I personally was only inches away from getting) then the misery starts, plumbing is bad, house needs rewiring, the roof needs replacing. We constantly create problems because we like them and we need them and we can not live without them. If we did not have problems we would have nothing to moan about. Small talk could not exist. I think. I have a job an asset a lot of people do not have. I have food – there are people starving in this planet of abundance. I have comfort – and I know what it is like to live without it. But do I appreciate it? NO. NO. NO. Because I am greedy self obsessed human being like the rest of us. And even when we do have all we desired – what do we do? We want MORE. Where is the satisfaction? Where is the joy? I do not think even the best provided female with the highest quantity of quality shoes can fulfill her urges for happiness. Why? Because there is always another pair to have!
I know this. I see this. I understand this. I have only 2 pairs of shoes with me at the time. I own around 6 pairs. I have shed the vast quantities of junk for simplicity but I still hoard. I do not know how to learn to appreciate the pure simplicity of life which is right under my nose to be taken appreciated and loved. Instead I chose self torture and abuse. When will I grow up? Bugger the rest of the planet. I think I know what I want. How come I am not getting it? See that verb again - get in present continuous usually expressing the action of ACQUIRING something. I am possessive and I hate it.
Why do I think I have finally grown up and then I lapse into the moment of utter misery and assume I am acting childish again. Is it childish to say things we feel but fear to admit? How come I have so many questions and so few answers?
In fact the whole concept of relating happiness to unanimous objects it is absolutely daft and ridiculous! I want to be free from stuff. I want to be free of morons. I simply want to be free.

I feel like I am sinking but I know I will survive. I always do. Up and down like a yo-yo I can cure the scratches and the bruises but can I make my soul feel complete? What am I missing? What can I not see? Why do I think it is so complicated when in fact it should be simple...  I have to learn. No school will teach me that though. Will it?


Richard said...

I don't know the answer(s).

Right now, I am reasonably happy. Though, I did go through a protracted bad period. Most of my life, I have been happy (sure, there is the fleeting sadness of a dropped ice cream - but that is not the sort of unhappiness that bogs down the soul).

One thing I have noticed over the past 14 months of being unemployed, two months of being displaced in Madrid is that our souls accumulate a lot of crud. We might think a week or 2 months will clear it off, refresh us and revitalize us to move forward in shining glory. The truth, at least for me, is that the period of rest and recovery is far longer than I ever imagined. I could function, I could always function (fortunately, I never became that incapacitated), but I want to do more than just function (and I am sure you do as well, and so does everyone else). I didn't always function well (for 5 years, I think , maybe it was only 4, I filed my taxes late. First the government would send a polite letter stating the noticed I hadn't filed. Thirty days later, they would send a more aggressive one demanding I file within 30 days. I always managed. I functioned. Not as well as I could have, but I functioned).

Jew Wishes said...

You are a survivor, Carra, and don't forget it.

Try not to let anyone ever make you feel like less of a person. You are not less, you are more, you are a woman of substance...remember that.

You will function, and like Richard says, you will eventually want more than to just function.

You are strong, but it will take time, for some it takes days, months, etc, and for some, years. Each of us is different in that respect, so try not to judge yourself by other's time tables.

You are unique, a wonderful person, and in time, this will come to pass. Oh, you will remember it, I'm not saying that, but you will manage to move forward and through it.

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