Monday, May 11, 2009

Just a thought

"I just wanted to write to say I hear you, and understand you. I'm feeling this way right now, too. There is so much I want to do, and I look at my yard, my house, my activities, and think "Oh, there's so much more I want to be doing right now... I'm not doing or creating enough!" I wish I could be happy just leading a simple life - coming home after work, and making dinner for my husband, reading and cooking. (I do want to keep my husband in my life; he's a blessing and my true love, and he is a great partner.) But I want so much more and feel unsatisfied. I think this is a feeling women all over the world share at least some point in their lives, which is kind of beautiful, because it is one thing that links us all. Anyway, I live in Vermont, USA, and just wanted to share that someone across the world feels the same way. P.S. Your English is very impressive. I thought you were English until I read your profile! "

Sometimes it is strange how life gives us little pointy arrows where to look. Like this comment from Anonymous. I did not expect it or ask for it, but I got it, as though it was a reward. I suppose the feeling of wanting something more is a constant in our life, because very few of us live our life fully. It is not our fault it is probably more due to the way we were brought up. Most often than not we are expected to be better than our parents were, to know more than our parents knew, and to do more than our parents did. It is great because it encourages us to improve, but sometimes it can be like a weight dragging us down, not always we feel we can be better, smarter or more capable, and not always we are. Most of the time like the rest of the population of the world we are just working our derieres off to stay afloat and there is no reward. We have to survive to improve ourselves. It would be so great if we could all quit what we hate doing and become great writers, painters or yoga teachers, but sometimes we can not. Not because we think so, but because we have responsibilities, whether it is a mortgage, a wife or a child, all those responsibilities require to be taken care of, otherwise we'll drown and once we have done that we can't do anything else...
I love life and I love living and I love what I do most of the time. Over 60 articles in one year published, I suppose I should feel quite an accomplished writer, but I do not. Maybe it is because I was brought up to feel like a loser all the time or maybe it is due to the fact that wasn't what I desired. I love writing, but I hate pumping stuff out of myself like a machine. Unfortunately most of those articles I wrote were forced, because I had to meet a deadline or needed the money, only a very few of those articles were written with pleasure. They all were rewarding, but not all the work was pleasant. But it's part of life, right? I don't think so, I know I am a writer because of the way I see and feel things, and because I sometimes have to get up in the middle of the night to write something down. I don't want to be anything else, I used to but I don't anymore, because I found my place under the sun and I'm sticking to it, it may after all be the only persistent thing in my life. Still, I can not help myself but feel that I forced too much that I did not focus on what I was doing enough. I must admit the stuff I wrote was good even if I did have to force myself to write it, and it felt great seeing it in print, but all the rush put me off, and now I feel like I can't be bothered anymore. Due to the economic or personal reasons I have lost all the communication with all of my previous publications, what is worse I do not feel sad or upset, because I know now, that if I want to write something I can write because I want to, not because I have too. Going back to the anonymous. Thank you. Thank you for sharing the feeling of wanting more, I understand now, it is not something wrong it is normal part of life, something to reflect on and possibly do something about, while guarding the parts the we love most. We shouldn't feel sad about it I think it is quite inspiring, that there are people who feel the same things on the other side of the Earth.

P.S. Thank you anonymous for your compliments.

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Marian said...

just keep on writing... i, and i am sure everyone who reads 'you' enjoys everything you write, and we are all in the same place just now emotionally i think, may be its a 21st century bug!
mx

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