Wednesday, April 02, 2008

No longer an expat...

That is true, I am now back in my home country (even if it doesn't feel homely at all) and I am wondering what will happen with my blogging career. I can hardly call myself a traveler, while staying in a country where I perfectly understand the language, the culture (or the lack of it) and the mentality. It is a strange feeling, after all this traveling and finding my true self, I end up back here where it all began. I am not disappointed, honestly I am not, just it feels strange. I see things differently now, I am so much stronger, and I don't let people to get to me (except those shop assistant girls that work in places like United Colors of Benetton , that give me one of those - you are a freak of nature, too fat, too ugly, too many legs and arms look, as soon as I walk in the door. No they don't sell size EU42 in this country, for that you have to go looking in a large people's shop). Yeah it seems quite bizarre, I have made a couple of friends, but very cautiously, I think to be able to trust Lithuanians I will need a therapy course with psychotherapist.
It's not as bad as it seems, I just feel mentally exhausted from looking for a job. There are plenty of jobs to choose from, my CV is now perfected, I got hang of the system of how things work in this (shithole of a) country. I have been to a couple of interviews and I pissed off both of my perspective employers, because they expected me to slave for peanuts, and I very nicely told them that if you pay peanuts you get monkeys. It seems I am a little over developed, too western, and slightly too intelligent for a shit job here, and I am under educated, too nice and lack the bitchiness for a good job.

Yeah this sounds like I will need anti-depressants soon, very soon. Well my plan was to sort my little princess Millie out (that involves her documentation and not the physical being of my four legged daughter), then to stick my husband into hospital and (pay to) get his hernia stuck in back where it belongs, along with sorting out his medication for his heart and other matters, then save up money and after the horrible time limits of the entrance to the UK have passed for Millie, go back home (UK that is). Obviously I have told my husband that if I will be able to find a well paid normal job, where I will not only be able to afford to live nicely but also have the time for it, then we will stay. Sod the British nationality, I will never be British enough and certainly I'll never be Lithuanian enough again. So I will be a terrible cross of the two breeds for the rest of my life it seems.

Oh yes I did receive an invitation to visit my extended family in Canada. Visit does not mean stay, because to be honest I can't imagine myself living anywhere in the North American continent, I am way too European and without identity to do that. That oxymoron behaviour again. So here I go again, looking for a job, a very good job, with a sensible pay. Wish me luck or not, I feel like I am being punished for my cheekiness, this country really is full of drunks and idiots, and maybe, just maybe a few nice people too. I am one of the latter, at least I hope so.


Richard said...

You know the old saying, you can never go home.

The problem with emigrants is that they remain a perpetually displaced people. They do not belong to their new country and they no longer belong to their country of origin.

You may find Montreal to be quite European in flavour.

One of the things about job hunting is that, in general, you are a tool and a commodity, no one is looking to hire you for your personal development / growth / best interest, they are evaluating you in their best interests. Period.

I wish people were fairer. But, then again, I have met a lot of crappy workers too, so the unfairness goes both ways.

b said...

I think that your physical situation mirrors your inner self. We are of a kind that is atypical. We have felt "other" for all our lives. Our interests, passion, creative temperament, introspective nature... all makes us feel a bit alien in our surroundings. But stay true to that inner voice, that inner flow that feels natural and right when we tune out those outside influences. Remain confident in your vision and the jobs and opportunities will present themselves.

I have faith in you and love who you are, whether that be you in Lithuania, you in France, you in Canada, etc.

So glad you are back blogging. I like the new look on the blog too! Thinking of you, always!

carra said...

You're right Richard I will never be home anywhere, I carry the Europe with me, by taking in everything I like from different traditions yet, I don't completely fit in anywhere anymore. It is not a bad feeling it is just strange. Most my life I tried to shake my roots off, and there are moments now where I would like them to cling on me again. Unfortunately the action is irreversible in my case.
As soon as I am financially capable of taking a trip to Canada I will, hopefully together with my husband. I would like the experience of stepping out of my little world stopping at Europe to be shared with him.
Yes job is not only for me, the employer is the one that will choose. I just feel that it's my westernised thinking that puts them off...

B I haven't doubted my inner voice, just sometimes it goes quiet. For example now, there is an automotive magazine that needs a journalist and they'll be setting up really soon, I could follow my dream of being a writer and earning money from it and wait for them to pull their selves together because that's what I'd like, yet being realistic I need a job ASAP, because money is going out and only yesterday some came in. Obviously it is good some is coming in, but it's simply not enough. I know after crossing Europe a couple of times, that I can handle most things and be myself. However it is the unknown that frightens me.
Glad you like the new look of my blog. :)

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