Friday, October 30, 2009

Anger

I am so angry I could split open and make the whole world dirty! I am angry because I am too nice. Because I obey all the rules and keep my mouth shut about my work. I am angry because I have no balls to write what I feel and think. I am angry because I am pretending half the time. I am angry because like most of the population I am living a lie. I am angry because I am always so nice I don't want to be nice anymore. I am angry because I care when I shouldn't. I am angry because I can't say what I think, because when I do, something horrible comes out of it. I am angry because I cant cry. Not one little stupid tear. I am angry because I am awkward both socially and physically. I am angry because this feels stupid. But it does not stop me from being angry. I am angry because my father is an idiot and my brother a selfish twat. I am angry because I shut myself up half the time so no one ever come close to me and then I force myself to be close and open and it does not work and it all goes wrong. I am angry because I do not know how to work at my marriage. I thought I knew but marriage just like a baby does not come with an instruction manual. I am angry because I can't have a baby and just because I don't want one now it does not mean I am not human. I am angry because life is unfair. I am angry, angry, angry. I am so angry I want to scream, I can't. I am always this well behaved idiot who until pushed right into the corner won't do anything and I am angry about that too. I am angry that I can not stay in the same job for more than a year. I am angry because I am never happy and I always want more. I am angry because I am not making an effort. I am angry because I can't cry. I am angry because I always have to buy cheap rubbish even though I want quality. Quality anything. I am angry because I can no longer walk in high heels. I am also angry because I look stupid in high heels. I am angry because I don't know me half the time. I am angry because I say I am a writer but I do not write. I am angry because nothing ever works out the way I want it to work out. I am angry because my life is a chaos and I am not helping. I am angry because I don't know. I am angry because I want to say so much but chose to say nothing at all. I am angry because tomorrow I will act as usual building up my anger again. I am angry because I have no mother to love. I am angry that my mother never said she loved me. I am angry and I am hurting and the pain is so raw. I am angry because I always chose the best apple from the bowl. I am angry because I can't help it. I am angry because I have no one to go to for advice. I am angry because I need to be and it seems no matter how many times I write I am angry it does not make me feel better. I am not a positive person. I am angry about that too. I am angry because I am typical miserable Eastern European the only difference is I PRETEND to be all happy and nice when I am not. I smile when I am crying inside. I am angry about that. About all of it. I am angry because I was born in the wrong country. I am angry because I speak with a funny accent. I am angry because I feel hungry. I am angry because I ache. I am angry because I need to be even though I still feel like I can't justify it. Enough. Bugger this.

2 comments:

Richard said...

This and some of the others, where you are raw and open are very good posts. Although, whether you will choose to leave them up permanently, or quietly hide them, I don't know.

I think we all have some "rage" in us against the universe. It didn't happen to me until I was 39. And I struggled with the angst that my whole life was predicated on lies (not that I had lied, but that I had believed in fairy tales).

I've come over that. I am pretty much the same person I was beforehand, perhaps a bit more empathetic. I won't deny it makes me ache to see young people wracked with this angst. It seems so unfair. Life should not be so unfair. I really believed the age I was growing up in was an age of enlightenment, that ignorance and pain and suffering (which all stemmed from ignorance) were destined to be ancient memories.

I would look at it this way, you have lived about 1/3 of your life. There is twice as much life ahead of you. You have learned and experienced a lot in your first 24 years. I think far more than you should have. But you have another 24 + 24 years in which to make a difference. When you are 8 or 12 or 16, you have little power; you have little influence, authority or credibility. You are now an adult. While most of us adults have gained little in the way of influence, authority and credibility, we do have more power than little children. We also have the knowledge we gained when we were younger - some of it painful.

I don't know which direction you should take your first step. I don't know how to manifest dreams (if I did, I would share it). But, I do know that you have accomplished and achieved much in 24 years. You have pulled yourself forward, you have struggled and strained and I know you can do much more in the next 24 years than you did in the first 24.

It is a realization I wish had come earlier to me. I am already half-way through my life, so I don't have as much time as you to achieve and accomplish. But I am not going to give up because tomorrow, I will regret having felt sorry for myself and not taking the opportunity that was there.

Lorri said...

It is good to get this anger out, even on paper, or online in a post. Venting will eventually help you to heal. Oh, it will take time, believe me, but each bit of anger we are able to blow off, will help us in the long run.

Look at me, Carra, and learn from me. I have lived most of my years, older than your friend Richard, old enough, actually, to be your grandmother. LOL. I won't let it stop me.

I am a survivor, and you are too.
xo

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