Friday, July 31, 2009

I love England even if it does not love me

When my husband used to tell me that England has changed, I believed him, still I never even imagined that I may one day see some of that change.
I have been in the UK for over a month. It has been a long and miserable period for myself. Away from my family from the ones I love, however, even though my perspective may be a little darker, there is no way that I would throw dark light all over my surroundings it would be so subjective and not my style.
I have been observing and I have been observed. I learned. I now realize just how blind I really was and that truly upsets me. I have come to a point in my life where I will have to cut off my love affair with England or fight with all my strength to keep a relationship going. A relationship that is clearly a one way street.

It has only been four years yet everything seems to have changed. I have either been blind, stupid or just unaware of the ugliness that one can find here. I have been looked down on, treated like a second class citizen, and told ridiculous things. It seems that everything I have believed this country to be - it is not. Was I really that well wrapped up by my husband?

I am finally capable of admitting it no matter how much it hurts. I have been laughed at even by my own husband, because he kept on about me being disillusioned and I honestly did not believe him, and here I am, writing all this, with a broken heart, like any woman who has been in a lousy relationship for years and did not notice it until now.

All these words and statements are not symptoms of some depression or misery attack. They will be fully explained slowly now and in the future. It would be hard to put all this sadness of feeling cheated in one post. The worst thing, is that I do not feel alone in this, I am sure there are hundreds, maybe even thousands of people feeling like this. I would imagine those people are English, because they are affected most. For the first time in all these years I understand that English people become expats not because of expensive cigarettes or booze, they go away because their country is being torn apart bit by bit, sold out, kicked and knocked down to such and extreme it can not possibly get back on its feet, and the saddest thing is that it was the kind and welcoming English heart in almost everyone here that has done it, and now the same kind and warm hearts are turning cold, somber and bleak. I understand; I see why. If I was to welcome a guest in my house I would not want that guest to change my life style, my attitude, my beliefs, my traditions. Think about it as adaptation: who was supposed to adapt and who actually did it?

It is such an awful truth, it is sickening, for someone so naive and so foreign in this country like me, to realize, the harm that has been done by so many unwilling to try. I am not yet fully aware of how to deal with all of this, but I am sure I will find a way, I am sure there is still a way of saying i out loud without being sued, without being accused of things that are not true.
I will find a way.

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