Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Gaining weight and all the other rubbish

I hate admitting this, but then I am a human and a female, and I'm freaking out about my weight. This is not a new thing. I have been overweight for a long time now, and there are those days when I love myself and then there are those days when I hate my reflection in the mirror. I do not even want to be skinny, just get rid of the few things I don't like (especially my mammoth size thighs). Today and yesterday and almost a month now I have been hating myself and contemplating a solution. I can not jog for many reasons and I don't believe in jogging anyway. I walk a lot and eat a little compared to other human beings but it's not doing anything. I could go swimming but I can no longer get over the "everyone pees in here" barrier. I could go skating but it's a very expensive treat. I used to hike, but due to my constant dislocation of shoulders and bad back I can not do that with dogs anymore and going for a hike without my dogs seems wrong. Then there is dancing that I will never get round to, because I hate myself for the way I look, tennis lessons that I am petrified of, due to the same problem with shoulders and working out in a gym witch I will never do because I can't afford it. And don't even mention yoga! I don't have the patience, plus I don't know if you noticed all the people who do yoga are skinny to begin with.
There is also no way I could go on a diet, because I do not believe in diet, unless it's a permanent change. I already eat lots of fruit and veg, dislike bread, prefer rice to potatoes et cetera, et cetera. It is not a diet for me it's choosing what I like, but now I have to find something I can do and like doing and will continue doing. Lack of continueity has been the problem with me in all times. The only things I seem to be able to continue are my marriage, my love for English language and writing. This is a really shitty moment, considering that I am suffering with a really nasty flu at the moment, but I trully am sick of the 42 label on my clothes, if only it was 38 instead. I do not want advice on how to love myself or to lose weight, this is not the reason. I just need to vent, and once I said everything I can't do I will start naming what I can do. I hate that pregnant stomach look! I'm enraged by myself! I'm 24 and I still don't know how to deal with myself. Bugger.
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