Friday, November 02, 2007

Bellow the floor?

There is a saying that one should write about what they know best. At this particular time, what I know best is how to prepare a dinner for less than a euro, and how not too smoke too much. Nothing more.

I feel like I have fallen into a trap along with the rest of my family and no matter how hard I am trying to get out of it, something is pulling me down. There are two ways to go UP, or bellow the floor, as I am on the floor already.

I haven't borrowed money since I was 16 and back in those days I'd borrow money for cigarettes until I get my pocket money for the week, now it has changed. It is humiliating and unpleasant yet very needed at this time.

Standing by the window this morning watching the pampas leaves floating in the wind, I felt like my life has been fixed in one place, while I was watching the rest of the world go by, yet I am still not over the struggles of the last year (having a miscarriage then my husbands daughter dieing) I am meeting more struggles and I don't know where to go and how to achieve the things I need to achieve.

Couple of days ago, I told my husband:
"By Friday we are going to 2000 pounds and will start packing to go back to England."

It is Friday today and the 2000 pounds hasn't magically turned up in my purse and I am still dubious about what to do next.

My husband won't head towards England unless we have enough funds to rent somewhere once we get there. Sensible grown up, yet the option to stay in Spain if we do not have the funds looks outrageous and stupid to me. With no possibilities of employment and not much else of ours to sell in the future, in a couple of months I'd be writing a similar post again.

There is no savings, no money for a rainy day, in fact all there is - the money I borrowed from a friend not so long ago, that paid for dog food, petrol for the car and a gas bottle as we ran out this morning.

Yet I have this feeling, no matter how crazy it may seem, that if we will get to England it's going to be fine, that I will have a job and regular income within a week, that life is going to turn around for me. I am not a pessimist in fact I am an optimist to an extreme that I believe if I think everything is going to be fine, it is going to be, but I know that if my husband decides to stay in Spain this could be the end of it all, because I can not sit and wait for someones generosity! I need to get out there and earn my money to put food on my table. It's been almost four years that I haven't earned any money myself, almost four years that I relied on someone else, it's been too long.

I don't want to "if" in here I want to let go of this misery, start seeing yet another option, it must be there. There must be something!

I feel weak and tired, my flu has been torturing me for the last two days, I haven't given up but my arms are dropping as it seems that no matter what I do or say I am not able to reach the person I love most.

Just four years ago, I was in much more desperate situation. I was homeless, unemployed (and with no possibilities of employment), I was singing in the street to earn some money and taught English, I got by, spending 1 euro a day for food, and 3 euros a week for cigarettes. It was awful yes but I got by, until I stumbled upon my husband to be.

Now I am not homeless (yet) but without any possibilities of a reasonable employment (the kind of employment that pays the bills and puts food on the table) we live in the middle of nowhere, people don't need somebody who speaks five languages and can use computer, they don't have computers round here.

So all I see is this: Unless we (Me, my husband and the dogs) are in the UK within the next 10 days it will get worse daily, that at the end of the day is going to tear our family apart, I don't want that to happen. I just want that miracle right now.


hellomelissa said...

i'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. i have been in both spain and england for short periods of time and LOVED them both. i can see how each could have their own challenges while actually LIVING there, though.

hope things get straightened out soon.

Richard said...

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I also empathize with your angst and anguish.

I know how hard it is to get ahead. I grew up the immigrant son of Polish immigrants, who had grown up in post war Europe. I grew up poor, though I never really knew it. My mother was very good at hiding it from us (either that, or I was also extremely naive).

But, with much angst and anguish, we all managed to advance and achieve something.

I do not truly know you, nor do I know the full extent of your circumstances, and I don't mean to be trite when I say this, but desperate anguish and struggle for survival is an all too common human experience.

I think it is partly driven by the general model of competition, rahterh than cooperation. If we stretch out and fail, we are on our own. So we act from fear, we act to preserve what we have instead of reaching out, instead of stretching towards something more because we are afraid of losing what little we have.

I certainly am there. No matter how much I save, I can never move out of the trap I have built for myself because I fear failure, I fear losing everything and having to start over. I am also trying to overcome that.

I apologise for my trite ramble, but have courage and faith.

Take care of yourself, especially your cold. Because it is hard to move forward when we are both physically and psychicly weak.

b said...

I know how exhausted and frustrated you feel right now. First and foremost, please take care of your health. You need it more than ever now. And focus on what you CAN do, as you have been lately. I know you can both get through this together if you work together.

You are a strong woman and I believe in you. Challenges have the opportunity of bringing out the very best in people and I certainly believe that is the case with this challenge you are now faced with.

When help is offered to you (we talked about was not a loan!), do not feel humiliated. There will be many opportunities in life to help others and you will. I know what a kind and generous spirit you are.

Don't lose hope. Don't lose faith in yourself. And never forget that you have a support system to lean on.

carra said...

Melissa, you''re right both countries are very love-able and beautiful, and yet difficult to live in. Things are getting better already and I am confident they will improve even more. Thank you.

Richard, my situation changes as a yo-yo the good news is, that most of the time we spend above the floor and not below. I can sympathize with the immigrant and poverty story of yours, Lithuania was quite a place to be in right after the revolution. One year all we had for food was beetroot and when we were lucky my dad would get us some herring. I agree with you that at the end of the day it is an experience and I should accept it for what it is and hopefully learn from it. And my cold has turned into bronchitis I suppose it could be worse...

Dear B, I thought of what I can do and today with help of my husband I came up with a brilliant idea. Soon enough I will let you know. I think this is going to work. Anyway we are moving in a couple of days still within Spain, but I have a cunning PLAN!

I can't think anymore today, I suppose the lack of sleep got me in the end.

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