Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Nothing is impossible

I was told many times that it is impossible in these times of hardship, but there is no way I will give up, I'm sick of hearing of crisis or swine flu, so I chose to ignore it.
Currently I have applied for a job in the UK and I'm keeping my fingers crossed, because, I do believe that the longer I will stay here (in Lithuania) the worse it will get.
I was never designed to live here and I'm even less suitable now. I have always been a social misfit here, hated or immensely disliked for what I am, and it is even so now. I do not care what people think about me, it's just I feel all their negativity around me, and that really can bring anyone down.
Of course there are people who care about me and I surround myself with them as much as I can. Being a recluse and closed up person that I am, and even though I'm more than capable of being a good company, I seem to constantly need more and more time alone, with my thoughts. I suppose this is why I have been so negligent with my blog. I keep it mostly because I want to keep writing in English, keep improving. Maybe there will be a day when I will write a perfect blog-post. However, at the moment I am so consumed with waiting for an answer for my hopefully future employer that it is very difficult to think of anything else at all. Sometimes my spirits are extremely high, then they drop into unbearable lows, now they are just about in the middle where I would like them to stay. My life is not bad, I have a job (and that is a lot more than most people around the world), I have a loving family, I have a home and a circle of people who care about me. This should be sufficient right? Still, should I just sit back and wait for the better days to come later, because it's hard times? Most of my life was hard times and I certainly would hate to sit still. Please do not consider me ungrateful. I am very grateful for everything I have, but I want to keep improving myself and my life (my life also equals my family life), I don't want to be robbed of living and sit still.
Life is not a rut it shouldn't be, it is way too short, and I certainly do not believe in any rewards after death for the suffering of now, because I need to live now, not tomorrow, next week or in ten years. After all I'm young the world should be under my feet, I shouldn't be bellow my own world. For the last five years my husband was trying to get me out of my bubble. I am out now and I can never go back, it doesn't work like that, yet I would give so much to be in there just for a few moments. I hate the unfairness of things. It will get better because it has to, it must, it can not be any other way, because otherwise all my effort was for nothing. It wasn't. I will get there no matter how long it will take. It may be a long journey, but I can see the destination and that is good enough for now, life after all is a journey, not a destination.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to write to say I hear you, and understand you. I'm feeling this way right now, too. There is so much I want to do, and I look at my yard, my house, my activities, and think "Oh, there's so much more I want to be doing right now... I'm not doing or creating enough!" I wish I could be happy just leading a simple life - coming home after work, and making dinner for my husband, reading and cooking. (I do want to keep my husband in my life; he's a blessing and my true love, and he is a great partner.) But I want so much more and feel unsatisfied. I think this is a feeling women all over the world share at least some point in their lives, which is kind of beautiful, because it is one thing that links us all. Anyway, I live in Vermont, USA, and just wanted to share that someone across the world feels the same way. P.S. Your English is very impressive. I thought you were English until I read your profile!

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