Seeking inspiration

Since the day I fulfilled my dream of going to England, owning a cottage in the very same country, has been the unofficial follow up to that dream. Just looking at the pictures of the cottages in England never seized to inspire me to work harder and try more to fulfill that dream.
Things sometimes are tough and there isn't much one can do, but to stay inspired, which is very hard sometimes. Last week I lost my last extra job. I only have one job left which will, with great difficulty, keep us alive. That means I will have more time to do things I want to do, and as Graham likes to remind me, to write my book. Still, it is very hard to keep hold of that light in the end of the tunnel, when it get's so dark around you. I'm afraid of the dark. I know, I often put on a brave face and do what I have to do, but it isn't that easy. There are setbacks and often they hit me harder than most. I fear sometimes, that as an old lady I will regret my life, for spending my youth slaving just to survive instead of doing something I love, but then, I keep reminding myself that I am doing what I love, just slowly and I have gone far and with time I will get further.
Life is not generous for those who do not seek it's generosity, but then how one can seek for something they do not believe in? I have always felt that my life has always been ripping me off before giving me something. It sounds melodramatic, but that's how it seems, and I do not like it, but then I suppose one way or another we all live like that. We all make sacrifices to get something that we believe is better. It is true, sometimes not getting something may be the greatest gift of them all... However, keeping those dreams and ideas in your head, can keep you going, can keep you inspired, and that is what I am looking for - inspiration to keep going, inspiration not to let this great dark cloud around me consume me.