Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Arguments

I hate arguing, but with my short temper it is often unavoidable. I often find it difficult to talk about things that worry me, but it is just the way I am, and do I really want to change it? The thing is, I get sick from the idea of talking things through. There is no point, people barely change, and they do so only if they want to. I suppose I could get rid of my short temper if I really wanted to, but firstly I would have to eliminate all forms of stress. The first few years of my married life were spent at home. I often felt as if I was decorative piece. I wasn't brought up to be a housewife. I did not know how to cook, and half the time (or more) didn't bother to keep the house clean. I felt unhappy because I felt like a bird in a very pretty cage, for my husband it seemed wrong that his wife should even have a job.
Now the situation has changed, my husband is too sick to work, he does as much as he can, but I do not expect a lot, not because I do not respect him, but because I know he is not well.
Because I have two jobs and a half, when I am home I am tired. I try to keep the few social contacts I have because everyone needs them. A couple of times when my husband and I had a really nasty arguments I wished I'd have a friend that I could go to and cry my eyes out. As much as we love each other, we can be very cruel to one another, and I think it is possible with many people under a lot of stress, and stress is one thing we are not short of.
I read the advice on avoiding arguments and I simply started feeling more angry. Are those people who write such thing married? I mean I'm a full time working woman, I come home, take the dogs out, work more, try to keep the place tidy and so on, don't they think I have enough on my plate without talking. I mean if we start talking it lasts hours, and it is never even pleasant it stresses me out, because I can never ever be right, I can't afford the time or the distress. Why no one looks at my side of the story, why no one cares that I hurt, feel sad and so on too. It is always me who doesn't notice things, but the things I do go unnoticed. On Monday morning I didn't make a cup of coffee for my husband that I usually leave on his bedside before I go to work, it was one of the very few times, when he even acknowledged of it's existence! Doesn't that hurt me? I can't tell all that, because I will yet again start apologising and blaming myself, as I always do, because I was brought up that way - to feel guilty for everything. I apologise probably more than 100 times a day everyday, do I need to apologise more, but if I will go there now I will start screaming, because I feel cheated.
Many people after hearing this would be very pleased, they would be glad, that my marriage doesn't work. But it does, there are some shitty days, but there are more happy than shitty days in the end of the year. I simply always lose, because I have disadvantages in any argument. I never can win because of the language, for Graham it is easy it's his mother tongue, for me when I'm stressed speaking any language is difficult, as I start kind of stuttering. I can never win because of experience and thus it makes him always right, but nothing is ever looked at from my point of view, of how I intended something to happen. I also can never win, because I do not know what family is to start with. I never had both parents, like millions of people around the world, while my husband grew up in a normal mother and father home. I am not jealous, but when I ask him to tell how it was so that I can imagine, what NORMAL is, I have to suck the information out of him, as it seems of great irrelevance to him.
And now after writing all this I feel even worse. I feel like a bad person because I'm saying things I should never say to anyone. I don't know if I work at my marriage hard enough because I don't know how to work at it. Every marriage is different and there are different rules for everyone, there is no instruction manual, no example to follow.

Photo stolen from here.

3 comments:

vesperinlimbo said...

It sounds like you need some kind of change. Things sound very stressful... And you shouldn't feel bad for talking about these things. It's natural for you to reach out to others when you're unhappy.

Richard said...

Relationships are always difficult. you can't expect your marriage to be smooth sailing all the time. I simply don't believe it is possible.

I can empathize with you on many of the frustrations you have expressed. I think we all feel them.

A big stumbling block, I think, is unsaid expectations. We all have them to some degree or other. Some have more than others. I think I have very few and very vague ones. Sofia, seems to have many more very specific ones. It can be a source of conflict. The trick is to try and work on it.

Yes, dialogue is important, but it is not just in the saying of things, but in also listening and trying to empathize with the other. Express how you feel, not how the other person makes you feel.

Of course, all this is difficult because we are so intimately involved in the situation.

Relationships are not about one-upmanship or about being right. They are about working together and for the common good, common goals.

Of course, the details of the objectives, of the plans for achieving those objectives are often a source of conflict themselves.

Working together, giving the other person room to be themselves, giving the other person the support they need and getting the same in return is hard.

After 12-1/2 years of marriage I cannot say it is any easier now than it was in the beginning. We work on it, we muddle through and, hopefully, inthe end, we can both look back and be proud of all we have achieved.

Maybe a little holiday, or diversion might be in order.

Also, try to focus on the good times, on the qualities that attract you to Graham (it is Graham, right? Or am I confusing you with someone else :-0

CG said...

yes I needed change and I started talking a little, I still find it annoying but I am trying to prevent my system from overflowing. It is hard, when the hard times come. Lack of money, miserable weather and sitting at home all the time doesn't help, but we lived through a heart attack and two 8 hour surgeries, as well as a mammogram I'm sure we can get through this. I suppose we are still learning and we will continue learning as long as our marriage will last, i suppose that is the secret that no one tells.

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