Thursday, September 25, 2008


Those who know me personally, are aware, that I am the most disorganised person in the world. I probably, could not organise a piss up in a brewery, at least my husband does not think so. Still, lately, everything is planned. at least a week ahead. Whom I will e-mail to, what will be posted on my blog, what I will write, whom I will write to and the list goes on. I have achieved this by being overloaded with work. I have so much work to do, that I can not afford, to waste time thinking what to do next, I have to know what comes next. Obviously, sometimes the unexpected comes up, but then I piecefully look at the schedule and organise and reorganise again.

Sometimes, I am tired and I make mistakes, even then I don't allow myself to be thrown off, I simply breathe deeply and sort out the mess I made. There is still a big danger in all this. Most of my life I believed I had an artistic nature and that matter alone justified any disorganisation in my being and here come the panic attacks. I have them weekly. When an unexpected load of work comes through that I can not complete in time, when my dogs are poorly, when I am late. These panic attacks are so bad that when I have them, Graham has to calm me down for a long while afterwards, it costs me time, but I always come up with a solution to sort everything out by prioritising.

I don't like being this way. There is no space for spontaneity, there is no space for impulse, it is pure existence with a dash of personality. There is no possibility of getting out either. I have made my reputation now as a very punctual and organised person, this is what keeps the jobs and my income coming my way, if I stop it now I'll lose it all. Even this particular post, is written on Saturday to be published on Thursday, because I don't know if I will have the time to blog next week. Organisation to the core. This is as good as it gets. Now I just have to go sit down and instead of planning next week, plan my road to happiness.
Somehow I don't think it will work.

1 comment:

Richard said...

Everything I have ever read on being a successful person comes down to planning. Basically have a plan, have an objective and go for it. Correct as necessary.

As with you, structure, the lack of openness to spontaneity is anathema to me, yet, when I plan things out (rarely) things seem to go better. I tend to enjoy trips more if I plan in advance rather than driving for a bit and then decide I have finally arrived, jump out and ... erm ... what?

I am struggling to be more organized and disciplined, but I am not having much luck. I figure I had better be otherwise this gift of free time I have been given as a result of being laid off will be squandered and I will have naught to show for it.

Maybe you just need to pretend you are spontaneous. It is kind of like public speaking, no matter how nervous or unprepared you are, the cardinal rule is to never confess that to your audience. As far as they are concerned, you are ready and competent. I think the same may apply to spontaneity. No one would have ever known that this post was written on a Sunday.

Just hold your head up high and don't spoil the illusion for the people looking at you.

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