Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Me and another me?


For those who read my blog regularly I may appear utterly vain. You may be right, but I have used this blog for almost three years now, to boost my confidence.
I can be cheeky, and bitchy sometimes, my opinions may clash with the rest of the world but the truth is I am not sure whether it is the real me.
The shy little girl, who would hardly utter a word to a stranger used to be me. Now there is this person who is confident, makes silly jokes, and loves being a part of something even if she is not totally interested. That appears to be the person I am these days. I am not however wearing a mask.

Almost five years ago I have asked a question:
"Who am I?"
and it took me a while to work out the answer. It may have been brought to me with that false confidence, it may have been true, and still I am shaken to the core when people see that shy, almost neurotic little girl inside of me. It is almost painful. It can get me off track and make me want to run away and hide.

When people ask these days who am I. I respond that I am a writer. It is true I am a writer but there is more to me. I am almost a clash of two different personalities and only very few people know that. I can walk into a five star hotel and act like I own it, but also, I just as well may burst into tears after seeing some charity advertisement asking to support some unfortunate children.

These days I am sometimes left alone to look at myself, and I am not sure what I see, I know it may have a lot to do with the fact that I am tired, overworked and under-rested, but the confusion does not go away however deep I look into the person I truly am. I seem to adapt under the circumstances and the conditions that I am in. For example when I find myself in a crowd of people that seem to hunt for my insecurities I shut down, like a factory at the end of the day, but when I am in a circle of friends who appreciate me, fro who I really am, I open up like a flower on a sunny day. In fact, I think sometimes I open up a little too much under those conditions and I scare people.

The situation is inconclusive, just like my personality, and that leaves me wondering whether calling myself a writer is a good thing. We all have heard of those people who are writers and live double lives, have double personalities and so on. I wonder whether just calling oneself so, actually makes us double faced buggers as a side effect, or it's simply a natural condition to any human being.

I've gone off the point completely yet again, that seems to be an eternal flaw of my writing. See, here is that shy thing that hates herself is coming out again! The silliness of me sometimes just throws me off the track completely and it does not seem like I need anyone for this just myself and enough weird thoughts in my head. The point was I am not vain, I can be, but it is not the person I truly am, and I am not a writer either - because a writer is just a profession not a personality. I think it may take me another 23 years if not longer to find out who I am, but I know that this person that calls herself Carra on the blogosphere, the person that misses the "a's" and "the's" is more than sometimes just superficial looking text, there is so much of me and it goes so far that I am not sure if even I can handle it.

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