Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Scheduling

I have an interview for a better job tomorrow, but it clashes with my current job, I don't know how I will make it, but I will, certainly - it's a chance. I am so tired, I can't see the keyboard anymore, I have another article to deliver tomorrow morning, but I will get up early to write it. I am managing somehow, I just don't know how. I walked to work today, about 2 miles, and then back home. Graham is really sick, and I am working my arse off to earn enough to pay for the surgery, he spent the last week in bed. I want to scream, yet this awful responsibility pushes me forward, like an engine. I am not normal.

These days people tell me I smoke a lot, yet I think I'll die of exhaustion before cancer gets me. I can't see anything anymore. I want to read Nytche's thus spake Zarathustra, but I need glasses. I want to sleep. I want to get drunk, I want to cuddle up to my husband, but I can't it hurts him these days. I want, I want, I want... It's all about me, I'm such a selfish ignorant cow. I need new pair of flats, because the ones I have are falling to bits. I'll get my wage on Thursday and another Thursday next week. I suppose I am doing fine, I just need to chill out. Here we go again, me, me, me... My husband is sick, and all I think of is me, I told him I can't afford him dying on me, I can't pay for the funeral, is that evil?

I love the success and the work, and the responsibility and my family most of all, but I get tired so much, I just want to be alone. But it's not really all about me, I am doing it for us, all of us.

4 comments:

b said...

Oh, Carra. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through so much. You are not being selfish. You have a lot on your plate right now and you're understandably exhausted. Sometimes it just helps to let it out, to voice that frustration.

I hope that this other job opportunity works out, if it is better. You're in my thoughts and as always, I'm wishing you the best. You deserve it. Now say that out loud ten times a day! :)

Richard said...

A bit late, but I hope your interview went well.

I am sorry to hear you are under such stress. The feeling of helplessness and frustration when external events affect us is awful. I hope your husband rests and recovers well and that you are able to raise the momeny needed for his healthcare.

Take care not to burn yourself out because it will be more than doubly worse if you are both in need of medical care.

jayant said...

Hey Carra!!
So sorry to know this dear, but please don't talk like that.There's always light at the end of the tunnel, isn't it?
Just dont lose faith in the almighty dear, I'm sure things will be normal soon.After all, god tests our patience sometimes and its upto us to be strong and not lose faith.I know its easier said than done but then, it's all i can do sitting so many thousand miles away from you..
Best Wishes for you and Graham!!

carra said...

Everybody I turned down the job, because it was not what I expected to be, it was a bad job with pretty title and low pay.

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