Sunday, November 25, 2007

Suitcase

Have you ever had a feeling when you just wanted to pack your suitcase and go?

I have it right now, where I don't care, how I don't care. I just want to go.

The move went smoothly, after moving so many times it could hardly go otherwise. Unfortunately I am not happy. It could have something to do with locals attempting to poison Charlie or throwing stones at him. I am not sure.

My writing career even though unpaid is so far going well, with another article coming up in the Lithuanian paper this month. My poetry competition also went well and now the hard part began. I just feel so incomplete.

My business idea that I am working towards is also quite good, and I already received a very interesting offer, that I am going to discuss next Thursday.

Yet there are things missing, maybe a 9 to 5 job, would fill that hole, that unfortunately isn't going to happen, unless I do pack that suitcase, that I fear to do.

I am not irresponsible, I don't run from my problems - I face them with a fake brave face, that doesn't satisfy me, but what else can I do. There is so much emptiness inside of me, and novels are not going to fill that one. I don't feel like I am handling my life myself. I feel like it's been thrown in the wind, and it goes where it goes, without any particular direction. Without any other choice.

People I know or have known, are building their life, full filling their wishes and I am sitting here like in a lousy old cinema, watching them while my own life is leaving me behind. I don't say there is no hope. There is always hope, but as my great-grandmother used to say:
"Hope is the mother of idiots"
I don't even think whether she was right or wrong at this one, but I have to admit that she was right most of her life. Where I, well I was influenced by something. Usually my own dreams, that I would strive for, but would give them up so easily just to please someone for half an hour. That is wrong. Now I no longer know what my dreams are, I feel like that shy, unsure eighteen year old that boarded a bus, to go far away from home, from everything and everyone she knew, to the unknown big world. The only difference now the optimism is gone, even though it should be so much easier.

Where can I go? The question keeps lingering in my mind. Most people I knew have long passed and gone beyond my own life, the ones that didn't stayed behind and were forgotten, and the few whom I selected to stay in my life might be getting tired of me too. So young, and so useless. Like an unwanted gift. Too unsure to even pack my suitcase this time.

2 comments:

Richard said...

A very poignant post and beautiful expression of emotions. We have all been there - even those of us who apparently have all the blessings in the world. Even when we come back, sometimes we return and visit that place.

I cannot say when this feeling will pass. For me, it took about 3 years (and, trust me, I was no fun to live with).

The main problem is that the world is so unfriendly. It would be a better place if we all cooperated and worked together. But ... that is not going to happen because there will be some who will take advantage of the work of others.

Things do get better. Focus on goals and objectives and work towards them. Of course, that is easier said than done - especially if all you want to do is run away, be alone and rest.

Doing is the key. Persevering and not giving up hope. I am not yet cured myself and there are many times when I just fail to do. So, I am no great example. However, I will leave you with this thought from Seneca in letter 27 to his friend Lucilius:

"What," you say, "are you giving me advice? Have you already taken your own advice then? Already corrected your own faults? Is this the reason why you have so much time to reform other men?"

"No, I am not so shameless as to undertake to cure my fellow-men when I am ill myself. However, I discussing with you the troubles which affect us both, and sharing the remedy with you, just as though we were both lying ill in the same hospital ward. Listen to me, therefore, as if I were talking to myself. I am admitting to you to my innermost thoughts, and am having it out with myself."

b said...

Oh, Carra. I know the place you are in. I know each person has their own unique struggles but the general struggle is not so different and as with Richard, I too can relate to where you find yourself now. It is difficult and you likely feel numb. But it is not hopeless and the only advice I will attempt to give you is to keep moving...keep yourself busy, even if the things you busy yourself with are temporary projects. And of course, engage yourself in positive activities...things that make you feel good about yourself and life.

You are so wonderful and life has so much to offer you and all it requires is your consent. You don't have to be a published novelist by age 30, you don't have to measure your accomplishments or worth. You simply have to be you. Be true to that inner voice.

And don't be hard on yourself for feeling this way. You are not young and useless. You are young and alive. You are ever-growing and evolving, while simultaneously becoming more true to who you really are. Those transitions come with tremendous growing pains and if you embrace and work through this struggle now, I guarantee that you will be stronger and stronger with each transition and period of restlessness/frustration.

I have tremendous hope for you. Already, you show such a capacity to perceive and live fully. Because you are taking these challenges head on and are really evaluating yourself throughout all these trials and tribulations, you will grow in amazing ways. This is a necessary part of life. We talk about this often: the necessity of sadness and struggle to fully appreciate happiness and success. Breakdown equals breakthrough if we embrace it and then work through it willingly and introspectively.

I know that despite acceptance and hopefulness, it is still tough to work through. And you are entitled to feel frustrated and down. I believe in you and am here for you.

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