Yesterday I had a discussion with my husband, we talked about my writing, and then I realised that the book that I was writing wasn't good enough for me... I kept pushing myself to continue but I did not believe in it. Now finally my husband opened my eyes and I realised it is a waste of time... So here you go you can read the introduction and if you see one reason to continue please tell me... Because I believe I can do better than that... It was rather disappointing to see it finally and the best of all! I know I can write so much better I do not need to write housewife type books!
There you go:
Snowflakes are lightly falling onto the Parisian pavement. I walk down an unknown, or maybe just forgotten, street. Thoughts are running through my head. I am tired as I am most of the time these days. Crowds are rushing home to loved ones. To needed ones. I have no one. I don’t need anyone and besides, no man on this earth is dear enough. I write lots of letters and the obligatory Christmas cards, but all I want to do is give in, fall down, fall asleep and never wake up. Uncontrollable coldness has taken over my body. I need something but I don’t know what.
Unnoticed as always, I march down that pathway, memories freezing and torturing me all at once. Millions of thoughts fill my head – how it could have been and never will happen again. ‘Don’t give up’ I keep repeating to myself. It is not worth it. He is not worth it. And yet I do not want to accept loosing it all so easily. It is hard to give up on everything that’s waiting for you in the future, but in the meantime the one thought dominating my mind is: ‘no one needs you, no one is waiting for you.’
At that very moment the Tango miraculously interrupts my thoughts and I start dancing there in the street. I haven’t danced for years, since my best friend and dancing partner died. Here in the street with so many people around, I once more can hear Astor Piazzola and feel Andrius’ arms around me, that sensual and exciting feeling the music and his touch gave me. I just dance there in the street. I don’t care what the passers by think of me. No one really pays attention to me anyway. It is a waste of time thinking about them, as I feel worthless in their eyes. They never spend a split second thinking about me. They do not have time. Too often I was naïve. So many times I was used and abused, so many times disposed like an old rag. I wanted to fight and give in at the same time. I was kicked out of my dreams, then out of real life, and now I have only a sad existence left - me. It is good to know I have myself to trust in. I think I’ll just try one more time.
I proceed towards the Gare St-Lazare, so I can carry on to somewhere else where a non-existent friend is waiting for me. I want to just fall asleep but I am trying hard to make it. I’ll just have another go!
The RER train is moving slowly, in fact too slowly. The train is full of more people rushing home to those loved or needed ones. I am envious. They have something that I am unable to get, and they have something that I am looking for and have been for so long. In a vain effort to make the train go faster, I decide to read. The book is an easy read, even though it is in English. Many of the surrounding passengers notice my book and I can immediately tell they think I am American. This big and dirty city is solid with people from the States. Those people seem to be really crazy about this city. I can’t blame them. So many of us come here to fulfil our dreams – the question is, how many of us actually get a chance to do so?
The train stations appear and then disappear in my eyes and I am closer to “home” with each second.
Climbing the stairs of my building, I search my pockets for the key. I wonder if there is any food left in the fridge after my flatmate smoked his grass. Probably not, though I try not to leave much food at home anyway. I cannot afford to lose what little I have. And I am too lazy to eat. All I want is to get into bed, lie perfectly still, and wait for the last train to go to Paris. Then he will be asleep, and only then can I dream. Dreams are my escape hatch from the ‘real world.’ They are mine and I don’t have to share them as I am forced to share the tiny space in this apartment.
I open the door to the apartment. Number 36. The smoke of cannabis hits me at first, but as soon as I walk through the door my nose does not notice the smell anymore. It only takes a minute to adjust myself to ‘home mode,’ meaning my ability to ignore the loud music, cannabis smell, and all the people crowded into the small room. This is normal. It occurs every night. I am pretty used to all this. My flatmate, Marius, fancies me every time he is stoned. I tell him to leave me alone every time. There have been a few times he has tried sneaking into my bed while I was asleep. At first I was afraid to wake up and find his claws on my body, but I learned to just lightly turn around, and pretend to be asleep. I don’t complain. There is nothing I can do. I have nowhere else to go. At least I am not afraid of him anymore. His touch no longer scares me. I’ve just come to accept this environment as my world. It is the world I fell into, the world I am trying to get out of, and have been for months. What’s next? Suicidal thoughts are visiting me more frequently, but I will try just one more time.
I don't believe in it anymore, though I know I have to finish what I have started and I am lost because I would love to dedicate myself to better writing!
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8 comments:
Why are we so critical of ourselves? Why can't we see ALL the positives of ourselves and our talents?
That if fabulous. You M.U.S.T. continue this.
I am so surprised at the comments from fellow bloggers about Fun Monday #3 which asks them to link us to the post that is the most memorable. So many had said they might not participate because the first post that came to mind was one of their own ! Give me a break. LINK US TO IT !
So, now, run don't walk to your manuscript and write the next chapter.
Oh terrific! You are back! Well I am making my "rounds" this morning saying hello and good morning...I only have a few minutes but I will be back later to read!
You gave your whole heart to it, so it is not worth giving up. You know that the beginnings are always the most difficult. You usually change it anyway later, when you develop your thoughts, suddenly there is some other twist in the story and you have another vision. You know that writing can be changed.
If you are not fully satisfied with it, do not just throw it away, start making something new and it is quite probable that you will have some new idea about that beginning.
Keep writing and you will see how you can fit everything later! Anyhow, do not give up - it is the last thing I would like you to do!
I think, as writers, we must assess our writing in a couple of ways:
First and foremost...is the project at hand one that we are passionate about? Do you feel strongly about this particular work? Is it something you believe has the potential you wish for it...and by potential, I simply mean...is it worth seeing through to completion, regardless of the possibility of publication?
Secondly...if you are intent on publication...is it viable in this sense? I honestly am not so intent on writing for the sake of publication. Otherwise, I too would be focused on cranking out steamy romance garbage. But even if we are dedicated to our work, of course publication would be wonderful. That requires researching markets. Is there an audience for this book and who are they? Is this the type of book that publishing houses are seeking? I often check out publishing houses online and they will explicitly state what genre and/or topics for books that they are specifically seeking.
Ultimately, I hate telling people what to do where writing is concerned. I think that being a writer means accepting that projects get started but may never see completion because we lose a sense of purpose in them or we are redirected to something more appealing. Our writing is ever-evolving. I say go with your gut feeling. If you aren't "feeling" a particular project, set it aside and go with what flows freely right now. You can't force it. And who knows? You may come back to it with fresh perspective and complete it.
Carra, I think it's fair enough,but if you no longer have any faith in this book or in the story, then maybe you could try starting again. Keep us posted, ok?
I think you're a really good writer and the only way to improve is to keep writing.
After all, writers write always.
Don't give up.
"...if you see one reason to continue please tell me..."
Because, regardless of who reads your work, writing enables you to work through the questions and problems you have in your life--sort of like art therapy. And most of the work of writing is, in fact, re-writing. Writers often feel very isolated and full of doubts, but you are not alone. There are hundreds of us out there networking through the internet (for which I am very grateful!), and having others to bounce ideas off is really helpful. Maybe taking a class or finding a writer's workshop could help, too.
Two inspirational quotes that help me get in gear:
"If thou art a writer, write as if thy time were short, for it is indeed short at the longest." -Henry David Thoreau
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all act of initiaitve, there is one elementary truth, the ignorace of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitively commits oneself, then Providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occured. A whole strema of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.
Whatevery you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." -Goethe
OK everybody what I'll do is rewrite this whole thing give it more emotion and once the first chapter is redone and I am working on the second one I'll post it! How's that for an offer? I will write I promise, but to be honest I am so involved in writing something else at the moment. It should be finished this week and then back to dreaming girl!
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