Temporary renaissance

It is quite funny how life twists and turns and sometimes one ends up looking back on themselves. I have never thought that I would ever come back here, to this blog for any purpose, especially not to bring it back to life even if temporarily.

The pink wallpaper misrepresents me as much as the naïvete present in my writing of more than four years ago. Then, of course, if I was to be completely honest - I would admit that I was making a web of illusion to cover up what was inevitable. After all the blog died with my marriage which probably says a thing or two about what kind of person I was back then.

I did not edit. I did not censor. I simply republished everything as it once was. Really it is a very poor coming of age story but then the purpose of this blog was to help me improve my English. Which whilst will always need improving in one way or another (as nothing is perfect); my command of the language presently is so good that the blog became unnecessary.

Now it shall function as a portfolio, however poor, after all one should never be ashamed of having been young and stupid.

Farewell or until we meet again

I am writing this as my last post on this blog. It has been a great pleasure to work and try to improve myself here. I met some amazing people. Wrote a load of rubbish. Had a lot of fun. However due to current circumstances I know, I will never again be able to be completely honest here and pour my heart out. Time has come, unfortunately, I have to close one door ot open another. I would like to use this post to say thank you to all of those who bothered to read, support and even praise me. Some of you have become like pillars to hold on to in dark times. Something to look forward to. I am not in a dark place right now and things are looking up. However I know I will not be able to cencor my self enough to continue writing here. I fell in love with my blog long time ago and it has been great pleasure and experience writing here. I learned so much. Thank you to all of you and I promise not to disappear. One day if we are meant to we will find one another either in world wide web or in physical world once again. I am sure...
Farewell.
CG

All I have to do is wait a while... It is so great we do not own property and there is nothing to settle. We really do not need to talk to each other or see each other again. I really want a divorce now. I wish I was smart enough to sort it out all by myself. I am kind of loving my new found independence. It will sound awful but I feel like somebody took really big chains off me and now I just want to get going. Get out there live. Maybe he was right we have outgrown each other, but in my eyes, i have tried enough. I wonder how does one tell things like that to their parents? Hi dad, how are you today? I am getting divorced. My marriage is over. Yeah I know you were all ashamed of me marrying him anyway but I was not and I am not now. It was the right thing to do at the time even if it feels shitty now. I am slipping back into my darker self and i absolutely love it!
I do not know what is ending and what is beginning the lines are blured, but i am sure it will be fine in the end, i would not get more than i can handle ever. Life can not crush me because I love being alive too much.

Monday - quote day

"It takes courage to be the author of your life. When you are struggling through one of the difficult parts of turning your dreams into reality, you may wonder why you always get stuck with having to put up with so much fear and uncertainty. Why, you wonder, couldn't I feel more courageous, like those other people do? You don't feel courageous because courage is not an emotion. There is no such thing as feeling "courageous". It is an imaginary emotion. Courage consists of doing what you said you would do even when you don't want to. In the face of danger you have a choice to be the delegate of either your commitments or your feelings. It's as simple and as difficult as that."
 - Nicholas Lore, "The Pathfinder"

when it turns ugly

then you do it ugly and so do i. breaking news i am not longer married. fucking non sense. true though. i am so angry i could strangle someone right now. apparently there is no such ting as a polite divorce.
i thought i was a good wife, but who am i to say, a complete nut case i am. it hurts but not enough to make me cry. thank you graham for teaching me NOT to cry. now i can go through the motions without showing emotions. i suppose we all get what we deserve in the end.

Monday - quote day

"We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on."

- Amy Marie Walz

To be English

is to be able to discuss the beauty of an autumn day. Sunny, cloudy and golden I say, knowing that I can not come up with the right words but i try nevertheless... To be English is to know how to moan about the rain and not love it, but I say, I love the sound of rain on single glazed windows and tin roof. To be English is to rush to work in the snow that you know you will get stuck in, I say, stay at home snuggle up under the blanket, it snows only for a week in England these days.. To be English is to wait for Spring but as soon as it comes wait for summer, having as many daffodils in your living room as possible, I say spring is beautiful in it's own right, yes it is damp, windy and mucky but it is always like that in England. To be English is to rush to the beach, park, country house at the first signs of heat wave I say, stay at home, be lazy absorb the heat but do not get killed by it... So I know I am not English and I know I will never be English but is still nice to discuss the colours of the autumn leaves on Monday afternoon while walking a dog  somewhere in Hampshire.

-->

We are born and we die, what happens in between apparently is up to us, which is falsehood hammered into our heads. One third of our life (at least) depends on our parents(and lets hope that they are nice people and won't screw you up to start with) and then hopefully the other two thirds depend on us, but that is unlikely. The truth is one third depends on our parents and then the other two on our partners, husbands, wives, friends and other buggers who come our way etc.. You know the worst part? We ask for it.

We surround ourselves with morons or we end up being surrounded by them. You know the kind of people that do not understand such terms as hypocrisy, oxymoron and the likes. Most of the time I do not understand such terms either. In fact any word that has 10+ letters is a big word for my dictionary stashed somewhere in between the rare wrinkle or two in my grey (which really is pink) tissue, but I still feel that I am surrounded by idiots who do not and will not ever want to understand me. I jump from job to job, from one attitude to another, I think I am depressed and then I think I am happy because I think I can fix my problems and the problems of the world. Whereas in fact the problem is ongoing and incurable. No one ever can be fully happy. We are designed that way and more western we are the more it shows on us. We are never happy about the things we do have, why? There are better things out there! We are never happy about our relationships because we think we could do better. But could we? Or are we downgrading each time when we really want an upgrade? So we get that house (which even I personally was only inches away from getting) then the misery starts, plumbing is bad, house needs rewiring, the roof needs replacing. We constantly create problems because we like them and we need them and we can not live without them. If we did not have problems we would have nothing to moan about. Small talk could not exist. I think. I have a job an asset a lot of people do not have. I have food – there are people starving in this planet of abundance. I have comfort – and I know what it is like to live without it. But do I appreciate it? NO. NO. NO. Because I am greedy self obsessed human being like the rest of us. And even when we do have all we desired – what do we do? We want MORE. Where is the satisfaction? Where is the joy? I do not think even the best provided female with the highest quantity of quality shoes can fulfill her urges for happiness. Why? Because there is always another pair to have!

I know this. I see this. I understand this. I have only 2 pairs of shoes with me at the time. I own around 6 pairs. I have shed the vast quantities of junk for simplicity but I still hoard. I do not know how to learn to appreciate the pure simplicity of life which is right under my nose to be taken appreciated and loved. Instead I chose self torture and abuse. When will I grow up? Bugger the rest of the planet. I think I know what I want. How come I am not getting it? See that verb again - get in present continuous usually expressing the action of ACQUIRING something. I am possessive and I hate it.

Why do I think I have finally grown up and then I lapse into the moment of utter misery and assume I am acting childish again. Is it childish to say things we feel but fear to admit? How come I have so many questions and so few answers?

In fact the whole concept of relating happiness to unanimous objects it is absolutely daft and ridiculous! I want to be free from stuff. I want to be free of morons. I simply want to be free.

I feel like I am sinking but I know I will survive. I always do. Up and down like a yo-yo I can cure the scratches and the bruises but can I make my soul feel complete? What am I missing? What can I not see? Why do I think it is so complicated when in fact it should be simple...  I have to learn. No school will teach me that though. Will it?

Anger

I am so angry I could split open and make the whole world dirty! I am angry because I am too nice. Because I obey all the rules and keep my mouth shut about my work. I am angry because I have no balls to write what I feel and think. I am angry because I am pretending half the time. I am angry because like most of the population I am living a lie. I am angry because I am always so nice I don't want to be nice anymore. I am angry because I care when I shouldn't. I am angry because I can't say what I think, because when I do, something horrible comes out of it. I am angry because I cant cry. Not one little stupid tear. I am angry because I am awkward both socially and physically. I am angry because this feels stupid. But it does not stop me from being angry. I am angry because my father is an idiot and my brother a selfish twat. I am angry because I shut myself up half the time so no one ever come close to me and then I force myself to be close and open and it does not work and it all goes wrong. I am angry because I do not know how to work at my marriage. I thought I knew but marriage just like a baby does not come with an instruction manual. I am angry because I can't have a baby and just because I don't want one now it does not mean I am not human. I am angry because life is unfair. I am angry, angry, angry. I am so angry I want to scream, I can't. I am always this well behaved idiot who until pushed right into the corner won't do anything and I am angry about that too. I am angry that I can not stay in the same job for more than a year. I am angry because I am never happy and I always want more. I am angry because I am not making an effort. I am angry because I can't cry. I am angry because I always have to buy cheap rubbish even though I want quality. Quality anything. I am angry because I can no longer walk in high heels. I am also angry because I look stupid in high heels. I am angry because I don't know me half the time. I am angry because I say I am a writer but I do not write. I am angry because nothing ever works out the way I want it to work out. I am angry because my life is a chaos and I am not helping. I am angry because I don't know. I am angry because I want to say so much but chose to say nothing at all. I am angry because tomorrow I will act as usual building up my anger again. I am angry because I have no mother to love. I am angry that my mother never said she loved me. I am angry and I am hurting and the pain is so raw. I am angry because I always chose the best apple from the bowl. I am angry because I can't help it. I am angry because I have no one to go to for advice. I am angry because I need to be and it seems no matter how many times I write I am angry it does not make me feel better. I am not a positive person. I am angry about that too. I am angry because I am typical miserable Eastern European the only difference is I PRETEND to be all happy and nice when I am not. I smile when I am crying inside. I am angry about that. About all of it. I am angry because I was born in the wrong country. I am angry because I speak with a funny accent. I am angry because I feel hungry. I am angry because I ache. I am angry because I need to be even though I still feel like I can't justify it. Enough. Bugger this.

"Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps."

 - David Lloyd George

hypocrisy

there is nothing in this world that i hate more than hypocrisy. under all circumstances i try not to be a hypocrite because once one starts being one, they can't stop.
now i am the living being that hates being pushed to be strong, but i know i can be, when and only when i really have to. i wish i was this fragile creature that would be treated like a really rare sensitive flower but instead i am treated like a sturdy shed (maybe because i resemble it more?).
i just want not to be hypocrite and want the right things. not to be silly but not be a smart aarse either. not to be weak but not to be quite that strong (unless i really really have to) i just want to be femminine. but liike real feminine not pretend girlie rubbish that i can't pull off anyway. oh i feel so lost.
i know who i am but i don't know how to be me without becoming a hypocrite.

Very appropriate

My Stupid Mouth Lyrics
Artist(Band):John Mayer

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change


Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find what soon


We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly, An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what JUST slipped out and what went wrong


Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one


I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me


Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now... Starting now


One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire


I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
than she desert me


oh i'm never speaking up again
i'm never speaking up again
i'm never speaking up again
Starting now, starting now...

wreckage

it seems the higher the standards for one's person the graver the disappointments. i can not come up with a solution. lower the standards or try to fix something that is about to fall apart?
bugger

the guilt appeal

Because of the way I was brought up it is very easy to make me feel guilty. What is worse is that once someone achieved that they (whoever they may be) can manipulate me into doing things I do not want to do, but will do because I want to avoid the feeling of guilt under any circumstances. I suppose this is one of the reasons I am so put of Catholicism as I feel guilty enough without religion telling me to feel so all the time.

However, I am not stupid, and when such things start happening I do see it and I do something about it so that I do not end up being abused. It is very difficult to stand up against such manipulation as I mentioned before I was brought up to be so.

I do not know why I am writing this at the moment, maybe because somebody is appealing to my guilt syndrome as I write, but just moaning about it won't change it. Unfortunately I still have to go over the enormous barrier of feeling guilty and only then I can fight it back, stand up for myself, and show that I am worth a little bit more respect.

Time to see and work things through

At the moment the job I do is really rubbish, but the pay, considering that these are really hard times is good. Obviously I have not settled for this for the rest of my life. This is why I have plans for more education to set me up for the future. This is not about wanting more, this is about knowing I can and will do better. I have made the bones for a book that I have to build the flesh for. I will do that with great pleasure once circumstances allow me. I am finding more and more time to writ regularly and I know that over time I will learn to work continuously.

Now I am focusing on one thing, paying off my debts, but once that is done I can dedicate time to myself and my wok. I know sooner or later I will manage to kick off my career here in the UK but until then I still have to survive.

I think we all get to do things we don't necessarily enjoy in our life, but we get through them, and move on.